Je Ne Sais Pas Comment Tu As Volé Mon Coeur
by searching.for.an.absolute
Summary: He'd told her not to go looking for him, but Blair is powerless to stop herself from finding him. Their relationship hangs in a tentative balance...will they get their happy-ever-after, or will Chuck and Blair simply stay...Chuck and Blair?
1. Chapter 1

**CHUCK + BLAIR = LOVE **

**This is a story following Chuck and Blair from that annoying cliffie at the end of the last episode. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW !!!! Will continue the story if there are a certain minimum of reviews!!! **

**Disclaimer: the CW owns Gossip Girl. I, however, own my own imaginary friends Puff the Magic Dragon and Kiki the GodFairyPsychologist...my disclaimers will get more random if I don't get reviews!!! **

* * *

She'd said it.

Her words echoed hollowly in her ears…_I love you, I love you, I love you…_

Blair Waldorf did not _love _anybody, let alone fall _in love _with anyone. She was too special, too delicate, too fragile, to just give her heart away to anybody. And she'd chosen to give it away to the one man who probably wouldn't think twice about breaking a thousand female hearts.

And yet, she couldn't find the will to regret what she had done. She loved him, it was true, more than she'd ever loved anything; more than she loved her idealistic dreams, more than she loved Audrey Hepburn movies and Gucci dresses…and it was possible that she loved Chuck Bass more than her family.

Blair desperately tried to rationalize his actions; he was hurting, he was in shock, he was grieving, he was feeling guilty, he didn't want her to see him like this…but her mind drew a blank each time she tried to convince herself that maybe, just maybe, he loved her too.

"Miss Blair?" Dorota stood outside her bedroom door, hovering with a tray of comfort food. Blair wiped away her tears and called, "Come in!" like the lady she was supposed to be.

Dorota came in, swiftly setting down the tray. She sat down on the edge of her bed and wordlessly smoothed her hair. "Oh, Miss Blair," she sighed, patting her hand. "The heart is fragile at your age."

"Oh, my heart isn't fragile, Dorota," she muttered. "My heart is jaded and cynical, but it's not mine anymore. It's _his."_

Dorota smiled sadly, and said, "Mister Charles will see to it that your heart will be well taken care of."

"I told him that I _loved _him, Dorota," she murmured softly, carefully not looking at Dorota. "And I held him while he needed me, I told him I'd stay by his side, I said _I love you! _And all he did was tell me not to go looking for him."

"He loves you, very much, Miss Blair." Dorota was still smiling a little, as if this was some unbearably sweet love scene from a movie. Blair narrowed her eyes.

"Why are you so happy?" she asked, almost snarling the words. She did not have to hide her temper from Dorota.

"Because, Miss Blair!" Dorota clapped her hands together and smiled widely. "Miss Blair, don't you see? After Mister Charles comes to his senses, I will have a very big wedding to plan in a few years!"

Blair settled back against her pillows restlessly. She wanted so desperately to believe Cyrus's words, wanted to believe Dorota's words, but she didn't dare. She'd put herself in a vulnerable position-and look what had happened. Nothing good came out of her vulnerability, and Blair was determined for it never to happen again.

Yes, she loved Chuck. Yes, her heart was his. Yes, there was a very big possibility that she'd never get it back.

But there was no way she'd sacrifice her pride again after he'd so coldly rejected her.

Chuck Bass stared out over the empty room, tired, alone, and weary. He was no longer drunk; alcohol was no longer the comfort it used to be.

His mother was dead. His father was dead.

And he was somehow, inextricably, responsible for both their deaths. The guilt was overwhelming, the feeling of loss was unbearable, and the last conversation he'd had with his father hovered in front of his eyes like a ghost. He couldn't sleep. Hadn't slept…since…since…

No, that wasn't true. He _could _sleep. He just couldn't fall asleep without _her. _Not without Blair's small arms around him, or hearing her say those words, the words he'd wanted to hear for too long now. He had not been—never had been, never would be—above using manipulative methods for her to say it, but now she'd said it at the worst of times.

He didn't want her to see him like this. She probably knew that, but she probably also thought that he didn't care about her as much as she did him. He didn't want Blair to see him alone and sad, didn't want Blair to see him as anything but strong and stubborn.

The scent of her perfume hung around his clothes, making each minute he stood here, away from the haven that she represented, harder and harder. But he couldn't go back, not now, not when he didn't have everything sorted out. He needed to find penance for his parents' deaths.

He needed to find penance for hurting her, too.

"Mr. Bass." The deep voice of the bartender dragged him from his reverie.

Annoyed, he snapped, "What?"

"Somebody's here to see you."

He was even more irked by this. He'd told them expressly he didn't want any guests—_none. _Nobody was to see Chuck Bass like this, least of all Blair Waldorf.

"I'm not seeing—"

"She said you'd want to see her, and she said that if we didn't—"

Chuck expelled a sigh. Of course she'd found out where he was—had he really thought that he could hide from Blair? Had he really thought that she'd listen to him, for once, and keep herself sane?

"Chuck!" her voice was strained, angry, but he could hear the anxiousness underneath the shrill tone.

"Waldorf," he answered her quietly. She rushed forward towards him, decked out in something festively red that made her eyes sparkle. He wished that he could be the man that deserved her, but he wasn't. He was too self-absorbed, he was too damaged, and he wasn't perfect enough for her.

And, damn it, if he wasn't good enough for her, then nobody was.

"Chuck, where the hell have you been?" Her hair shook as she spoke, and he caught her intoxicating perfume; instantly, he wanted her to stay.

"Here," he muttered. He didn't want to look her in the eye, because then he'd make her stay. It was too easy; she loved him too much. Yes, his heart had soared, hearing her say those words. Yes, he'd wanted desperately to take her with him in that car, but he couldn't; he wouldn't willingly drag Blair into the mess that was currently his life. He couldn't hurt her that way, and he'd thought it'd be safer if he left her alone. That she'd be safer.

Yet, she kept seeking him out. If she kept doing this, he wasn't going to be able to push her away for long.

"Chuck," she slid into the seat next to him, taking one his hands in both of her smaller ones. "Please, come back with me." She was pleading with him. She didn't plead with anybody. "Chuck, listen to me. My mother just hitched herself off to Cyrus, Serena's going away with Aaron, and I don't even know where Nate is. Everything's falling apart, Chuck, you have to come back…"

She was alone. The realization struck him very hard; if there was one thing he'd give anything up for, it was Blair's happiness.

"Chuck?" her voice was very, very soft, as if she did not want to say her next words.


	2. Want

**Thank you to everybody who reviewed!!!! Because I love Chuck and Blair so much, and because you guys are SO AWESOME, (and because I am procrastinating and not studying for my exams), I have written a filler chappie just for fluffiness' sake. Also, I'm sorry about the sudden POV change in the last story, I thought I'd put in a label indicating the change...**

**Disclaimer: Chuck and Blair, unfortunately, are owned by someone else. (So is, to my great despair, Edward and Jasper and Carlisle Cullen. *wails*)**

**Oh, question:**

**Do we want Chuck & Blair to stay together from here(then this story will become the fluffy fluff that is the stuff of my dreams)...OR:**

**Do we want Chuck and Blair to go through some angsty Blair-dates-someone-else (I will have SO MUCH FUN creating THAT character) drama? I'm thinking that'll make Chuck sorry for not telling her he loved her more than anything the SECOND she said "I love you"...**

**REVIEW!!! Answer the question!!(although I am very inclined to the angsty one, I like Chuck and Blair angst..)**

* * *

"Chuck!" her voice was growing more strained by the second, and he couldn't find the right answer in his head. He turned his head to look at her, to drink in the exquisite grace she held, the way that she could make anybody do anything. The way that she could make him do things that no one else would ever even dream of.

Right now, it was really, really hard for him to say _no, _like he was supposed to. "Chuck, come back," she said, and he couldn't take the way she was on the verge of tears.

"Blair," he murmured her name softly. She stopped pleading for a moment, and she clasped his hand. "Blair, I can't go. Not now."

"Why, Chuck? _Why? _Nobody has to know. You could just stay at my place, there's nobody there…"

"Blair." He couldn't listen to all of her rationalizations, couldn't bear to let himself hope that he could go with her and not hurt her. Because, despite all his problems with saying it, he loved Blair more than he loved anything. He hadn't been sure at the beginning because he hadn't really loved anyone or anything the way he loved Blair before…it had frightened him at first, the depth of feeling he had for her. He hadn't even known he was _capable _of that emotional depth. "I can't."

She seemed to see that this was not going anywhere. She looked at him with such heartbroken eyes, big and brimming with tears…he could see the love for him glimmering in their chocolate-brown depth. For one moment, he thought that they could be; they could have that fairytale that none of their family or friends had ever had, they could love each other enough to pull through this mess.

But the moment collapsed in on itself when her eyes frosted over, and he saw the walls that he'd spent forever breaking down close him out again. Something in him begged him to pull her close, kiss her until she was willing to stay here, and keep her by his side forever, but she dropped his hand.

"You haven't changed, have you?" she asked him softly, and he was in agony, knowing he'd put her in pain. "You're still the same emotionless, selfish, narcissistic Chuck…" She stood up, and she slipped on her coat.

He watched her, and every nerve in his body screamed at him to stand up, grab her, never let her go…finally, she said, "I'm sorry, Chuck. I think I must have been drunk or high—or both, really—when I said those words. We both know that I can't love you and you can't love anybody." She gathered up that dignified aura of hers and started to turn around, but Chuck had finally processed her last words.

He could take anything if he was certain that she loved him. He could take being away from her, he could take not sleeping endlessly, and he could handle this mess. But if she was going to tell him that she hated him, he was going to lose it.

So just as she was about to turn around and leave, he stood up, grabbed her shoulder hard enough to twist her around, and did what he'd wanted to do since his father had died.


	3. Shattering

**Thanks again to the WONDERFUL people who reviewed. THOSE OF YOU NOT REVIEWING: *ominious music sounds***

**Thank you for the ideas, I'm so glad that this story is tiding so many of you guys over 'til January (it's tiding me over, too :D) THE decision has been made: I am looking forward to writing about Blair's new admirer soon! (Don't worry, though, we all know Queen B. belongs with Chuck.)**

**AN: I'm so sorry these chapters are so short, inspiration tends to find me in the worst of times (ie EXAM WEEK) !!! So, to avoid my laptop being torn away from me as a result of my failed exams, I must acutally study....**

**Disclaimer: Blair and Chuck = not mine. My crappy geography exam mark = totally mine. **

* * *

Blair Waldorf wished nothing but the worst on the twisted hand of fate that had made her fall in love with Chuck Bass. She was here, in this crappy B&B on the edge of Staten Island, begging and crying for him to come back with her, but he wasn't moving.

She was leaving. She told herself that as she put on her coat, as she made up her mind to make Chuck sorry for the day he'd ever rejected her.

Time, she was told, healed all wounds. She prayed to god that it was true.

She'd thought she was in love with Nate only to turn around to find that Chuck was the one who made her heart race, and she'd tried to damn hard to love Marcus, but in the end it was Chuck, always Chuck, with his arrogant attitude and his hidden vulnerability, that made her weak.

Blair had never done anything harder than to turn away from Chuck—_her _Chuck, who was suffering and in pain—and walk away. There was nothing she wanted more than to turn around, sit down, and wrap her arms around him again, tell herself that he wasn't going to leave her again. She wanted so bad to delude herself into thinking that Chuck would stay by her side the way she'd stand by his, but she'd sacrificed too much pride and too much of her heart in this cruel, never-ending game already.

She felt a hand on her shoulder pull hard, and she spun around involuntarily. She saw one flash of Chuck's desperate gaze and felt his lips on hers, urgent, heartbreakingly sweet, and irresistible.

So right, so natural…this was where she _belonged. _Desperation to stay here, coupled with the fire burning through her veins, made her twine her arms tightly around his neck, pulling herself ever closer to him…

But alarm bells rang in the back of her head. Did he think that if he slept with her, she'd forget all about his cold "too bad" after she'd told him she loved him? Did he think that he could take advantage of her willingness to do anything for him…and still walk away without loving her? Her body recklessly luxuriated in the feel of his lips against hers; but her mind, albeit hazily, discerned that this was not right.

Two days ago, she would have done anything for him, when she had told him _I love you…_she would have done anything with no questions asked. But now, with her heart halfway between shattered and whole, Bart dead, and Chuck still unable to express any kind of human emotion outside of hatred, lust and grief, she couldn't do this anymore.

It took everything she had to pull her lips away from his. Everything hung in that infinitesimal moment, her heart, her love…but he stared into her eyes for a single moment, and then he dropped the hands that had clasped around her waist.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. She could not resist giving him a kiss on the cheek, but then she left. Could he hear the shattering of her heart?

Time, Blair thought murderously, had better heal all wounds.


	4. Gone

**SORRY EVERYBODY, FOR THE DELAY, it's the holiday season and all :) ****Happy (belated) Holidays!!!! **

**This chappie is short and angsty, I know, but the story WILL GET BETTER, as Blair's new beau is in the works and Chuck is about to have his heart painfully kicked around as Blair cavorts around town with...dun dun dun *the suspense is killing me, too***

**Disclaimer: searchingforanabsolute owns nothing, even if she wishes she does. this will be the last time she refers to herself in third person.**

**REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW. OR ELSE...(have to think up a threat here, but I'm too lazy)**

* * *

"Dorota!" Blair's voice was shriller than usual when she called for the maid. Having made it back from Staten Island, soaked in rain and in her tears, Blair sat in her bedroom, curled up into a pitiful ball drinking hot chocolate and watching Audrey Hepburn fall in love. At least, she thought bitterly, the rain had given her an excuse for why her mascara was running and why her nine-hundred-dollar Chanel jacket was soaked through…

"Yes, Miss Blair?" the maid poked her head into Blair's room, anxiously glancing at the young socialite. Blair didn't seem quite alright—everything she did was a little bit off-balance, as if she was trying very hard to compensate for something that was missing.

"I'm going to take a bath. Please have everything ready for me to go to bed when I get back," Blair said commandingly, trying to be as normal as she could.

"But…Miss Blair," Dorota said in shock. "It is a Saturday night. Surely…you are not going to bed…at...eight-thirty in the evening?"She said the words tentatively and then winced.

Blair glared at the maid. "Is there something wrong, Dorota?" she asked imperiously, annoyed with her maid's suggestion that she was morphing into a loser.

"No, no, Miss Blair…" Dorota looked at her worriedly. "You are alright, no, Miss Blair?"

"I'm fine, Dorota," she said vehemently, heading for the bathroom. Maybe a bottle of wine, a bottle of expensive lavender bubble bath and lots of sleep would convince her that this was just a bad nightmare. Thinking of Chuck again, the ever-constant aching in her chest flared up a little, just enough to remind her of his expression when she had left—shocked, determined, bitter, but most of all, tortured…

The pain was enough to tell her that it was not right for her to feel so much for him, when all he felt for her was lust…

How could she, Blair Waldorf—smart, beautiful, cunning—have been so stupid as to hand over her heart to Chuck Bass? How could she be so foolish, so blind? Blair was always jaded, cynical, never so naïve.

But she had honestly thought that she'd be special enough to change him from narcissistic playboy to caring monogamist…in the end, though, Chuck was just not meant to be changed, so she had officially joined his massive pool of broken-hearted ex-girlfriends.

Blair shut her eyes, trying hard not to remember the night she'd spent with him in the limo, trying not to remember his lips on hers, trying not to remember his arms around her…

Blair couldn't quite manage to keep out the single memory of her conversation with Yale University's dean's daughter…

Did you have your first time with someone you loved? The little girl had asked her so innocently that it had evoked a certain maternal feeling in Blair, prompting her to tell the truth. Blair remembered thinking about Chuck, remembered the gut-wrenching moment when she'd said, yes, yes, I did. Blair remembered the starburst of joy that had shot through her body, how it had felt like how she'd always pictured falling in love.

What a shame that her heart had chosen a Prince Charming that was less like Prince Charming and more like goddamned Hugh Hefner.

Blair sighed, remembering the days she'd spent daydreaming about the princesses in Disney movies—her favourite movies had always been those with open-ended happy endings and glorious sunsets. She'd wondered who her match would be—even back then, she'd realized that she was a hard-to-understand girl, difficult to love. She'd learned that she was hard to love the hard way, her parents' difficult marriage having scarred her in ways that she'd never admit.

She'd known Chuck for so long now that it was difficult to imagine life without him. She'd known Nate just as long, but her feelings for him, as they had during their ill-fated relationship, remained platonic and boring, whereas her feelings for Chuck had evolved to a deep, all-consuming rage of passion long ago.

Chuck was the epitome of all that she wanted, and he captured her essence in himself—in recent weeks, she'd realized that Cathy Linton's memorable words...He's more myself than I am, whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same…applied to her and Chuck so aptly the words may as well have been written for her and Chuck.

Unable to stop herself, Blair's tears slid down her cheeks, each one carrying a piece of her shattered heart, each one stealing a little bit of herself away from her, each one a painful reminder of all that she could have had…

She had thrown everything of herself, everything she could give, everything she could say or do, at him, and he'd pushed it all away. Could she move on, or would she remain in this abyss of her misery, of her heartbreak? Would she ever move on from a love that she was sure could rival even the greatest loves in history? She was sure that Elizabeth Bennett had never loved Mr. Darcy as much as she did Chuck, that Cleopatra had never felt so much for Julius Caesar…

She closed her eyes, comforted only momentarily by the soothing smell of lavender. Images of Chuck and her spun in her head, and the sharp pain in her chest returned. Sighing, Blair felt all her willingness to fight for Chuck fleetingly, and then the will to fight was all gone…


End file.
